Second day of the challenge to write a post every day and I’m already cheating. How am I cheating?
This is all I’m posting.
I’ve been thinking on forgiveness, no big surprise there. I can be so very thin skinned that people have hurt me that probably have no idea or have long forgotten. Each time some cruel memory comes to mind, I have to forgive again and forgot. The problem is, I feel like the cruel things people say or do reflects on me, why did they pick me to hurt?The realization that maybe it isn’t actually about me at all, but about them doesn’t always make me feel better. I always wonder what caused me to be at the right place and time to be hurt. At times, however, it was my own foolish actions that set me up to be hurt.
Let me explain that last sentence more fully. I have, I think, written this before, but I have a problem with people disliking me. Soooooo, it has led me to reconnect with people I really shouldn’t have. When it blew up in my face this last time, it did give me closure, thankfully, and I could, successful, let go. Doesn’t always work out that way, but I’m so very glad it did this time.
Back to the forgiveness aspect, I had to forgive them (the ones I reconnected to and others who have hurt me) and forgive myself for my own actions. I sound preachy, but truthfully I’m literally thinking this out as I type. It is funny as something you know in abstract, for example forgive as you would be forgiven, suddenly becomes concrete, oh THAT’S what this means.
I have held some people’s transgression against me in the back of my mind, saying I can forgive them, but I need to remember what happened so I’m not fooled again. However, standing in front of my kitchen sink the other day (are dishes EVER done?) I asked myself how would it feel to have God keep bringing up my sins repeatedly despite saying He has forgiven them. I’ve messed up badly in the past, done things and said things that sicken me now. Prayed for forgiveness, claimed promises, tried to forgive myself. God says my sins are covered by Christ’s blood, paid and forgotten, so why oh why can’t I let go of other people’s sins?
It is humbling to be reminded of how much of a hypocrite one can be, how vastly unfair one can be to fellow humans. Do as I say not as I do. How very wrong I am for hanging on to my hurts, remembering protects me from nothing, only causes me pain.
AGH, it is getting late, been a looooooong week, so I’ll end on that note. Until tomorrow. Maybe I’ll share some funny memes.